Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Missing Motivation

I have no motivation to work. When I sit down to write I feel sick to my stomach and convinced that everything I put down will be worthless.

Yesterday, at the gym, I saw a poster advertising personal training certification classes and I kept thinking about how fun it would be to do something like that -- something physical, something totally different.

Academic self-doubt is totally normal -- so normal, in fact, that the imposter syndrome in universities is discussed regularly in pretty much every academic publication. Normally, I can write my way through the doubt. I don't actually defeat the doubt, but once there are enough words on the page it just moves to the back of my mind and I get the paper done. Right now I can barely write in my blog or journal. It's like that part of my brain is paralyzed.

But I cannot take a day off from writing today. I am going to force myself to write. I will park my ass at my desk, make some tea, turn on CBC2 and write for 4 hours. Even if I just copy quotes, I must write something or this road block will turn into a total detour and I'll end up signing up for a fitness training class.
doctor T 12:09 p.m.


Man, I don't even have the hope of becoming a fitness trainer. I've tried normal jobs; academia is all that sticks.

But I must say that CBC2 and tea are also my tools to conquer academic paralysis. Not that I've been trying much of that, lately. (I'm supposed to be getting my comps lists together, but so far I've been wandering about in my pyjamas and reading novels.)

Hello, I'm the Queen of West Procrastination; we go to the same university (I'm history PhD) and I found you through Tabitha Grimalkin. Pleased to meet you, and your blog looks very fun.

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