Monday, May 15, 2006

Slight Change in Plans

Ahem.

I've decided to NOT go for a walk/jog and instead write until Mike comes home. Physical laziness is excusable -- I need to take advantage of writing power when I can, damnit.

I told you this blog would keep me accountable.
doctor T 3:24 PM | 1 comments |

A New Week Calls For a New Work Plan

Accountability is important, right? Here's my plan for today:
Last night we had dinner with some friends who just bought a house right around the corner from us. Being able to afford a house is such a far-off dream for us right now and it's kinda hard to see your friends do it. Why didn't I go to med school again?

Oh right, because the PhD is just so rewarding. [/end sarcasm]
doctor T 12:15 PM | 2 comments |

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Found It!

Well, some of it anway -- motivation, that is. I wrote for a few hours yesterday and made some progress.

This afternoon, however, is all about Dickens. MUST FINISH THE DICKENS.
doctor T 1:54 PM | 0 comments |

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Missing Motivation

I have no motivation to work. When I sit down to write I feel sick to my stomach and convinced that everything I put down will be worthless.

Yesterday, at the gym, I saw a poster advertising personal training certification classes and I kept thinking about how fun it would be to do something like that -- something physical, something totally different.

Academic self-doubt is totally normal -- so normal, in fact, that the imposter syndrome in universities is discussed regularly in pretty much every academic publication. Normally, I can write my way through the doubt. I don't actually defeat the doubt, but once there are enough words on the page it just moves to the back of my mind and I get the paper done. Right now I can barely write in my blog or journal. It's like that part of my brain is paralyzed.

But I cannot take a day off from writing today. I am going to force myself to write. I will park my ass at my desk, make some tea, turn on CBC2 and write for 4 hours. Even if I just copy quotes, I must write something or this road block will turn into a total detour and I'll end up signing up for a fitness training class.
doctor T 12:09 PM | 1 comments |

Thursday, May 04, 2006

My Ankles Hurt...

...and it's not because I'm a round-heeled woman.

I'm going off an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety drug I've been on for 3 odd years because the stupid stuff made my blood pressure shoot up. The withdrawal is ugly. I've been fairly lucky as I haven't had too many body side effects but I've had a whack of emotional/mental ones (and Mike, a whack of side effects is at least 5 and up to 7). The first week I swore I was either developing asthma, having a heart attack or suffering from pneumonia. The tension in my chest and back was brutal. I also had ugly acid reflux. I hate burping, so that was a particularly icky side effect. Now I'm all emotional. I cried because of a financial mistake this morning, and I actually threw stuff around in the bathroom. Then I yelled at my cat because she peed in a chair. She only pees in a chair when the litter box isn't to her liking. I had a mild panic attack while cleaning out the litter bins. Even the English secretary noticed how off I was today. Bleargh-o-rama.

So my ankles hurt because the only thing that has kept me relatively sane over the past 10 days has been walking. I have walked a stupid number of kilometres. I walk everywhere. I'll walk instead of taking the bus, and I'll walk to get stuff even if I don't really need stuff. I walk around the house, the yard, the neighborhood, downtown, uptown, pretty much anywhere it's legal to walk. Weirdly enough, my hips don't hurt, me leg muscles don't hurt, my oft-sore toe doesn't hurt, and even though I've been carrying bags and purses in a most awkward fashion my back, shoulders and arms don't hurt. The sunburn I got while walking doesn't hurt. My ankles hurt. My brain hurts a bit too, but today it's all about the ankles.

This post is for you, Mike, and your ankle fascination.
doctor T 5:23 PM | 0 comments |