Monday, October 02, 2006
I Suck
Last year, after my SSHRC proposal didn't get it through the uni AGAIN, I promised myself I wouldn't get all pissy and upset over the process this year. Today, however, the jealousy monster decided it was prime time to make me feel like shit again. I'm feeling pissy about being passed over again.
I know I shouldn't feel pissy. I've done a lot in the past year: written two conference papers and delivered them at two respected conference in my field; worked a few RA/TA jobs; had my poetry published, and invited to read my poetry at a fundraiser; been nominated for a major university research award; and passed all my various candidacy exams. But my past week of dissertation-related uselessness means I'm finding ways to criticize myself, and the fucking SSHRC competition is always there, peeking its stupid little money-giving head at me. Fuckity fuck fuck. I'm afraid the new PhD students will outshine me. Why do I let my insecurities run amok?
I'm trying to clean up the house right now. Hopefully a happy environment and tidy desk space will help me get on the road to work so I can forget about all these self-defeating jealous feelings my brain keeps cranking out.
I know I shouldn't feel pissy. I've done a lot in the past year: written two conference papers and delivered them at two respected conference in my field; worked a few RA/TA jobs; had my poetry published, and invited to read my poetry at a fundraiser; been nominated for a major university research award; and passed all my various candidacy exams. But my past week of dissertation-related uselessness means I'm finding ways to criticize myself, and the fucking SSHRC competition is always there, peeking its stupid little money-giving head at me. Fuckity fuck fuck. I'm afraid the new PhD students will outshine me. Why do I let my insecurities run amok?
I'm trying to clean up the house right now. Hopefully a happy environment and tidy desk space will help me get on the road to work so I can forget about all these self-defeating jealous feelings my brain keeps cranking out.
doctor T 4:40 p.m.
2 Comments:
Oh my goodness: you mean I'm not the only one who's a wreck when it comes to SSHRC time? Last year I was completely wrecked when I didn't make it past the uni level. And that "grantscrafting" woman was so un-helpful.
I understand so much.
I understand so much.
I never got any institutional support, but don't let anything get you down. The whole process is infantilizing and demoralizing - but the best thing to do (if you can) is ignore all the psychology and crank out some work. What matters is the quality of what you produce. Focus on that, and you'll save yourself a world of misery. Hugs.
